Underdog
by Shinagami
Summary: the result of several hundred Mr. Pibbs and three and a half Twinkies.....it's pretty pointless, so you might as well read it.
1. Part Negative One

Author's Unhelpful Advice Part 1, Section 1

Aloha! How's life for all you spammy Eva fans out there? *hears various gripes and groans* That's great. I've just read The Ultimate Hitchhiker's Guide to The Galaxy so you may see some bits of that sprinkled in here. (but not very likely, seeing as that's plagiarism) I don't own GAINAX, nor do I own Evangelion, so if they sue me, then they'd be wasting their time. I don't speak Japanese. I don't own Volvo, or PEZ or even KoRn, so if they sue me I'll be in deep shit. I do own some bratwurst, but it's a month old and has an eye growing out of it. So read on, you might enjoy yourself.

The Author's Unhelpful Advice Cont'd.....

Now as you know Today is the start of Appreciate The Lesser Characters Week, or ATLCW for short. So I'll be taking you inside the realm of one of Evas most wrinkled Mac Daddies, Sub-Commander Fuyustuki. That's right, the big Kozo has decided that being Sub-Commander will no longer satisfy his manly urges to hold the 'end of the world button' and to drink milk straight from the carton. Be prepared, dear readers, for you are about to witness the birth of a monstrosity that can only rival that of a teenager's pimples, the one, the only the........UNDERDOG!!! *fancy music plays*

The Author's Unhelpful Advice Part 2, Section 2

I am in need of serious help, I have mental instability and I'm dependent on Mr. Pibb. So if any of you out there find this fic to be outwardly disgusting, illogical, lacking in plot, looking and feeling like women's breasts, or comfortably damp, don't say I didn't warn you. Also, I have read Neon Genesis Evanjellydoughnut and happen to like it. A lot. And I'll go ahead and mention that the author and all the other people in this fic are much bigger than the actual characters. Mixed into the fray is a poodle, some loose organs, lots of bratwurst, a pantry, some cotton plants, three Volvos and eighteen chipmunks with their mouth's full of roasted haggis. Enjoy.

In the beginning, there was a blank computer screen.....Then, there was Shinagami! *Shinagami sits at his computer (aptly named Sacheil ) and begins drinking his Pibb. Then he remembers he's got a fic to do.*

The start of the story....finally.

Roll scene, cue music, lights, camera _action_......

5

4

3

2

1

Some would say that Kozo Fuyustuki was an uptight sort of man, who rarely does anything outside of work and was content to wander the bowels of Nerv forever. Those who knew him personally also thought he lived only to get work done. But Fuyustuki was an entirely different man, not one who was a slave to his job, but a lonely man of nearly 56, who wasn't married and who didn't have much hair left.

"Come in." Kozo grunted from his position at his desk, cluttered with paper work and the occasional PEZ dispenser.

Shinji Ikari was a boy some would call weak, cowardly, spineless, depressed, perverted, and dumb. The fact of the matter was, he was _indeed_ weak, cowardly, spineless, depressed, perverted, and dumb. But he was all this for a reason, a very good reason. People didn't depend on him this way. Now he could shrug all the work off to someone else.

"Um.....The com- Father wanted me to give this to you...." Shinji said and handed Fuyustuki the paper.

"Hmmmm, Thank you Pilot." He read the paper in his hand. 'Do you think I should instigate the Third Impact? Check yes or no.' It said. Kozo picked up his lucky blue pen and checked no. It was the eighth time that day that Gendo had sent the note. 'Ikari, what's up? Nmh. I want to say please stop sending me notes, I'm busy. See ya- Sub-Commander Fuyustuki.' He wrote back.

"Please give this back to the-" Fuyustuki stopped when he saw that Shinji was attempting to leave. "Pilot! Give this to the Commander. Dismissed" 

"Idiot! Why the hell would you tell everyone in school what color my panties where?!" Asuka yelled. However, even under her verbal beatings the form in front of Asuka didn't shy away, or immediately curl into the fetal position. "Well?! What have you got to say for yourself?!" 

It was that time Major Misato Katsuragi decided to wander down the same hall where Asuka was busy berating a poor, helpless someone. 

"Um....Asuka?" She asked the redhead.

"Don't give me your bullshi- What?" Asked Asuka.

Misato deduced the situation. Asuka was yelling at a soda machine, which was ever so subtly bent in the opposite direction. "What are you doing?"

"Well. I can't yell at Shinji before practicing. You think I come up with these great insults spontaneously?" She asked her guardian and superior officer. "See, did you notice the vocals bending the metal frame work?" She grinned. "The effect it has on idiot-boy is a lot greater, and more fun."

This seemed like a logical answer, but Logic had decided life was too much and jumped out of it's crop-duster, spattering itself over the highway, causing a bratwurst truck to hit a phone pole. 

!^_^!

The author looks over his shoulder to find about thirty readers watching him extremely confused.

Shinagami: What? You didn't know Logic had a crop-duster? Everyone knows that!

As he calculates the meaning of purpose Shinagami takes another chug of his sacred Pibb and pops a Twinkie into his mouth.

!^_^!

Rei Ayanami stared at the Commander. The Commander was too preoccupied staring at Rei to notice Rei staring at him. When Shinji walked into Gendo's office to deliver the note he, too was immediately overwhelmed by a sudden urge to stare at Rei. Mostly because Rei was extremely attractive. Mostly because Shinji had a mild crush on Rei. But mostly because Rei stood naked in front of Gendo's desk.

"Something you need, Third?" The Commander's cold tone cut through the warmth spreading through Shinji's lower regions and snapped the younger Ikari back to his task.

"Yeah...um....Sub-Commander Fuyustuki told me to give this to you." Shinji said and returned his gaze to Rei's nice resemblance's of cantaloupes.

"Hello, Ikari." Rei said calmly, like she was going to school.

Shinji gulped and smiled weakly in return. "Um.....h-hi.....How's um" Shinji looked everywhere for a topic of conversation. The ceiling, the floor, the drawer with the 'end of the world button' in it, under the piece of driftwood next to Gendo's desk.... "I.....um....I see you have breasts...." Shinji said, utterly at a loss of what to say. //It must be Thursday again....// Thought Shinji. He never did know what to do with Thursdays.

"Yes, Ikari. Are you here for tests as well?" Rei said, her monotone voice killing any real arousal Shinji had been feeling at that moment.

"No....um....you cold?" Shinji noticed that it seemed several degrees colder than it should have been in Gendo's office. And Gendo _liked_ it that way....especially when Rei was in for some....tests....

Shinji's eyes darted around Rei's figure before a cold voice, much like that of ice cream being nuked in the microwave caused his eyes to suck back into their sockets.

"Shinji. Give this to the _Sub_-commander. Then you are to proceed to the lab for some synch tests." Gendo flicked a reassuring smile Shinji's way. This made smile back and feel like things were looking up, until he noticed that Gendo's smile was directed at Rei, who calmly smiled back, despite her obvious lack of clothing. //Definitely Thursday.// Shinji thought as he tucked the note Gendo had given him into his pocket.

"Yes sir.....Goodbye Ayanami." Shinji said and walked out of the office, his eyes pointed at Rei no matter where he facing, until he left. Once outside Shinji cursed QVC for not delivering his X-ray glasses on time two weeks ago when Asuka had first arrived.

!^_^!

The author looks at his clock and sees it's 3:48 AM. The author debates whether to continue his little creation, or to hit the sack. Eventually Shinagami cracks open another Pibb and begins typing with renewed vigor.

!^_^!

Shinji wasn't a person to argue with the Commander. This had three exceptions. One: When he wouldn't let Shinji go out in unit 01 to help Ayanami. Two: When the Commander wouldn't Shinji go out in unit 01 to help Asuka. Three: Whenever Gendo was being a general ass. Today, was exception three. After reading the note to Sub-Commander Fuyustuki, Shinji thought Gendo had crossed the line. He would never tell his father, of course, but Shinji would think angry thoughts at him in the future.

"Sub Commander?" Shinji asked, peeking his head inside.

Kozo looked up from where he was. After he had gotten through with the paperwork, he had plopped down on the floor and decided to take a snooze. At Shinji's unquiet entry, Fuyustuki awoke with a start.

"What is it, pilot?" He asked tiredly.

Shinji folded up the note into a paper airplane and sent it over Kozo's way. Shinji didn't want to enter the old fart's office....it smelled like incense. 

Fuyustuki caught the plane and unfolded it.

'Dear _Sub_-Commander.....How's it hanging? I just wanted to let you know that you are the best _Sub_- Commander I ever had. And I've had a lot of _Sub_-Commanders who've called themselves _Sub-_Commanders. Yes, I remember when I was a _Sub_-Commander....oh, wait....no I don't. I've always been the _Commander_. -Later

Gendo (_Commander_) Ikari.

"Ooh! Ikari always does that to get on my nerves! Always flaunting around his rank!." Fuyustuki fumed.

"Um....you want me to deliver one back to him...I mean...my Father?" Shinji asked hopefully, maybe Gendo would have Asuka in there for some tests........

"No, that's all right. That's all."

Shinji 'darned' and exited Nerv HQ. He walked down the road to his apartment. He was a block from the Victoria's Secret that he Toji and Kensuke always stopped at when a black foreign car zoomed up next to him.

"Hey there Shinji! Want a ride home?" Misato stuck her head out of the window.

Shinji looked over his guardian's new ride and wondered if she was mentally stable. "Um...a Volvo?" he asked incredulously.

"Yeah, Asuka said there were all the rage in Germany, Sweden, Switzerland and any other country with bratwurst and weinersnitzle." Misato said happily. "So I traded in my old car for this puppy." She patted the side of it lovingly. "I call it Pumba." 

"Pumba? Isn't that a pig on the Lion King?" Shinji asked, amazed that he knew this bit of trivia.

Misato suddenly looked cross. "Humph...They stole that idea from Kimba, you know..... They shoulda sued Disney's ass off."

"Right....well. Um....I'm meeting Toji and Kensuke here, so I'll be back later." Shinji said and tried not to look at the Victoria's Secret behind him.

"Ah.....I see. You and them are going to peek through the window of the Victoria's Secret, eh?"

Misato said jokingly.

"Well...kinda......" Admitted Shinji.

Misato quickly pulled her head through the window and plastered a look of disgust all over her face. "You.....dirty little boys!" And then she sped of. 

Now, everyone who sat in the Counsel of Irony Gods knew that later on Shinji would be broad-sided by a Volvo who's driver had an unfortunate meeting with a bratwurst spill on the road, but no one really felt like telling the pilot of a berserk beast mecha that. So they dropped it and went to go have some crumpets. 

!^_^! 

As the greatness of the Irony Gods part sinks in, Shinagami momentarily excuses himself to visit Reason. Reason looks up.

Reason: Yeah?

Shinagami: Yo. I need to ask a question.

Reason: Fire away.

Shinagami: Why the hell would someone capture Reason and stuff it into a bag to lock it in a meat freezer?

Reason: Simple, so that person writing a fic could make a completely random and silly story without anyone complaining. 

Shinagami: Ah. Okay. 

The Irony Gods smile upon Shinagami as he brings a black garbage bag over Reason's head and throws him into a freezer full of bratwurst.

Shinagami, holding up his Mr. Pibb in an offering to the Gods: Hey! Hey! Get your lazy butts up! I'm offering you some Pibb! 

The Irony Gods grumbly walk down the stairs and snatch the Pibb away. After drinking it they toss the empty can away. The can lands in the middle of the road that Misato just happened to be on. The Irony Gods share a chuckle as Misato's car swerves into the wrecked bratwurst truck, spilling it's contents all over the road.

!^_^!

Shinji returned to walking to the Victoria's Secret, unbeknownst to him, however, Commander Ikari was testing the Mitibishi car dealership's foreign branch and was happily cruising the streets in a nicely made Swedish car that just happened to have a new 'bumper-bender classic' series of front bumpers. This was fortunate for the driver, because if the car impacted another object, let's say another car, for instance, it pushed the other car under the nicely made Swedish automobile. This is unfortunate for the object it hit, let's say another car, because the other car went under the nicely made Swedish vehicle. The effects of the 'bumper-bender classic' series on a humanoid person age 14 about 5'7" is unknown...well, _was_ unknown.

"Don't worry," Gendo sang as he hurdled along the road. "Be happy" He tapped the wheel in rhythm to the music and let out a "Whoooohoooohooooho, Don't worry, be happy!" As Gendo finished the last bar of his favorite song, he was treated to a vision of several tons of bratwurst covering the road in front of his hasty car. The Commander made a quick decision to avoid the pile of meat, by swerving onto the sidewalk. It was then that a soft, fleshy thing hit the 'bumper-bender classic' series of bumper and slid neatly underneath the nicely made Swedish car. Soon Shinji found himself staring at the transmission of what he thought might be an imported car, seven speed, nice make. //Must be a Volvo.// Shinji thought lamely as he noted that the oil fluid needed changing.

Gendo was no longer happy. He was, in fact worried. He switched the song off. "Damn.....just when I thought I could spend an afternoon driving around on slick roads doing doughnuts....." Gendo screeched the Volvo to a stop. Shinji was happy to know he was out from underneath the greasy workings of the European car, but soon realized (He wished he had taken the liberty of grabbing hold of something while he enjoyed his stay under the Volvo) he was flying out from underneath the front of it.

The Irony Gods Handbook To Making Funnily Ironic Things Happen states that once an object in motion looses it's forward inertia, than any object within, On top of, in the near vicinity of, or underneath of the previously mentioned object will be subject to keep it's course of motion until it's kinetic energy is lost.

All four of the Irony Gods decided that Shinji didn't need to stop, and the several layers of slick meat provided a great excuse to keep Shinji moving. 

One most be aware that on the same fateful Thursday that Asuka Langley Soryou was taking a stroll with her personal favorite of the male gender.

"So, Kaji.....what do you want to do?" Asuka said as she and Kaji strolled down the street.

Ryoji himself thought he might want to take a nice long bath with Misato......but he knew the fiery German girl would gut Misato and put her entrails on a cross and stake it on top of Nerv and then she'd lock him in the gallows to be her little toy.......//Damn....what am I thinking?// Kaji thought.

"Exactly what I want you to think, Kaji." Asuka said snootily. She held up Shinji's X-ray glasses and put them on, staring at Kaji's head.

"Um.....you can see my thoughts?" Kaji asked, a bit confused that a 14 year old could see into the depths of his mind.

"Yeah....but most of it's junk. Stuff about Misato, watermelons, Adam and the Human Instrumentality Project, hunger.....hey! There I am!"

"But How do you direct my thoughts?" Kaji asked, trying to will his mind away from anything that he thought a young girl shouldn't be seeing.

Asuka thought a bit. "Cause I found this in Shinji's room." She held up a remote control for a TV.

Kaji thought quick, he couldn't let Asuka know the truth about the clicker...about how clickers are what control everything, and how if a female learned to use one they could wreck havoc amongst the Earth.

"Really? I can? Who knew. No wonder Shinji was so protective of it." Asuka said and shrugged.

Kaji kicked himself mentally. He had just about thought up a plan to get the clicker back when the Irony Gods got bored of life and consulted The Irony God's Handbook For Making Funnily Ironic Things Happen. The book itself was basically a giant clicker, and had good battery life, too.

{Hmmmmm} Irony God Numro Uno said. {Maybe we should make a big screen showing Amsterdam vs. Munich University drop on that little girly girl.}

The second Irony God rubbed his metaphoric chin. {Nah.....that's a bit forced}

{Let's stick a cow in an odd place, so it can fall on an unsuspecting someone} The first suggested.

The second turned to stare at the first. {We did that a while ago.} It had actually been three years ago, but who was counting.

The third Irony God looked with distaste at The Irony God's Handbook For Making Funnily Ironic Things Happen. {We've done all this.....we need the revised edition, The Irony God's Field Copy For Causing Oddly ironic Happenings Occur At Any Given Moment Ver. 7865.01.} 

It had been a long time since the Irony God's came into existence. Some say that a greater power, let's call him Jeffery, caused a galaxy to implode, and three small atoms accidentally ate some of Misato's waffles, thus bringing the three irony Gods into being, while others agree that they just willed themselves to appear.

Everyone knows where the fourth one came from. Chevrolet had needed something utterly humiliating to happen to Ford, and it needed to be good. So the legend says that a young Chevy engineer by the name of Maya Ibuki, climbed eight dozen flights of a million stairs to reach the Mountain Of Irony.(She's got the strongest legs in all of Nerv) She then offered the Gods the only thing that she had on her, a Mr. Pibb. The God's instantly fell in love with it. Maya went on with her request. The conversation went like this.....

{So....what do you want}

{Yeah, we haven't got all millennia.}

{I'm thirsty.}

"Well....Um...My name is Maya Ibuki...and I.."

{THE Maya Ibuki?}

{The Greatest Car Designer in the world?}

{I need something to wet my whistle...}

"No....I'm her daughter...."

{Oh.}

{Very good then, continue...}

"Well, on behalf of Chevy-"

{Boy, right about now would be ironic for some tea or coffee to land in my open mouth.}

"I would like to request your services-"

{Now that yo mention it, I'm a bit parched myself.}

"To make something humiliatingly ironic happen to-"

{Can we get some Mountain Dew in here?}

{Mountain Dew? Are you frivolous?}

{I believe I am, yes.}

{No, no, no...Mountain Dew is for those Yanks up north.}

"Happen to Ford..."

{But what then?}

{How about iced tea?}

{Blech! No! Something carbonated...}

"Are you listening to me at all?"

{Quiet woman, we are discussing things of varying degrees of importance.}

{Like what to drink}

"Um...I have some Mr. Pibb.....you want some?"

{Might as well give it a go, alright.}

{Is it Pepsi or Coke?}

"Coke, 100% guaranteed."

{Mmm, quit good, actually.}

{So what is it you wanted?}

"Just make something ironically humiliating happen to Ford."

{Righty-o then"}

{Ta, ta!}

And with that Maya trekked back down the flight of stars and back to Chevy, where the next day Harrison Ford came by and bought every last one of Ford's dealerships so he could burn them all as a offering to KoRn. Thus ended Maya's work and Chevy reluctantly fired her because she was caught skinny dipping in the executive pool. That all well and done, the Fourth Irony God came about as a back up, a dummy plug for future reference, that would make one of these fabulously ironic happenings to happen. One problem. The 'dummy plug' needed a semi-organic thought process to allow it to work. Thus Chevy had to abandon the project, along with Maya, in a dark alley in Albuquerque. That very day Irony God Numro Duos decided that since the two other Gods were out playing tennis, that he'd cause the famous scientist Dr. Ritsuko Akagi to be visiting an animal shelter on that very street. One thing led to another and pretty soon Dr. Akagi had a disciple to train and work on the dummy plug with. This was all fine and dandy, except that on the return flight the pilot of Maya and Ritsuko's 747 decided to wrap the large plane around a mountain, courtesy of Irony God Numro Tres. The resulting explosion made a convenient time warp near Maya's seat and sucked her in. As she was inhaled in, Maya grabbed the only this near to her, which was Dr. Akagi. They later ended up in Tokyo-3, but that not the focus of this. The remaining dummy plug was settled atop Irony Mountain, right next to Irony God Numro Duos and Numro Tres.

!^_^! 

Shinagami realized that he's strayed far off topic, and begins to delete it, when he looks back over his work with a bit of lovingly compassion, and decides to keep it.

!^_^!

Shinji was sliding, this was obvious to any observer. What wasn't very obvious was that he was sliding in a pre-determined direction. Little did he know that his destination was right under a person he hadn't come to any particular terms with. The great Asuka Langley Soryou.

"So if I click this I can cause a police helicopter to chase down a guy with a machete?"

Kaji again tried to think quickly, but a police helicopter chasing down a guy with a machete interrupted his thoughts. That and a sliding form wearing a school uniform.

"Hey, this button makes everything go in reverse!"

Shinji slid to a slow stop just underneath Asuka. Well, underneath Asuka's sun dress would be a better description. He stopped just as Asuka pressed the rewind button, causing the very lucky Shinji multiple views of Asuka's panties.

"You idiot! What are you doing looking at my panties?!" She yelled, slightly enraged that Shinji had barged in on her date, and partly embarrassed that he'd seen her undies.

"Um....well....I'm just dropping in....." He laughed weakly then noticed that Asuka held in her hand a clicker. "Hey, Asuka...look over there."

Asuka growled at Shinji before looking the afore mentioned direction, leaving Kaji to quickly snatch away the clicker. Asuka 'damned' and stormed off to somewhere not concerning the reader at this time.

"So what's up, Shinji?" Kaji said to the boy, still on the ground.

"Nothing. I have a synch test today."

That left little to talk about since Kaji didn't know anything about Evas and a swarm of eighteen or so Chipmunks ran through the location of the rapidly failing conversation.

"Hmm, they're headed to the butcher shop." Shinji noted with disinterest.

"Yeah, I bet they want some haggis." Kaji whistled as the horde of furry rodents tipped over a Winnebago to get to the small butcher shop.

Shinji got up and started towards the GeoFront. "See ya around."

"Good bye Shinji, please take Asuka with you." Somehow with out any one noticing Asuka had latched herself to Kaji's midsection, and was hugging for all it was worth, which about forty two dollars.

"Okay. Asuka, you're ugly, your teeth are crooked and your hips are fat." Shinji said coolly.

On lookers would later comment that they've never seen anything move so fast in all their life. Asuka was off of Kaji in an instant and chasing after Shinji, who had, half an instant before hand began running.

Kozo contemplated his rank. Then he pondered why the Commander was so stuck up about his. Then he wondered what he could do to be a higher rank than Gendo. After that he thought about methods of silent assassinations, and right about then was when he ran out of synonyms for think.

"I can't take it anymore. I'll go tell Ikari that I want to challenge him for his rank. I am rightfully his teacher, I should be the Commander, not a lowly _sub_-commander."

"Um....who are you talking to?" Fuyustuki jumped and turned around to eye the source of the distraction. He would've seen Makoto except that a cow had that had been lodged in the air ducts for thee and a half years fell onto the unsuspecting Lieutenant.

"Well, then...cow. If that's all, I'll be leaving." And leave he did. He left all the way to Gendo's office. The cow, who had been bored out of it's skull for three and a half years decided following the old guy was more fun than sitting on this skinny excuse for an officer.

Shinji was on his way to the Eva cages when he encountered Kozo. Shinji felt bad for the old fart, so he decided to be friendly. "Hello, Sub-Commander Fuyustuki." Shinji would've said more, but a blur of red was steadily advancing on him.

Fuyustuki glared at the receding two dots in the distance. "Oh, rub it in why don't you?!" He yelled and shook his fist in the air.

Gendo poked his head out of his office. "Fuyustuki? What are you yelling about?"

Kozo frowned and readjusted his glare at the Commander. "Why can't I be the Commander?" he asked

"Because I am, there can't be two Commanders, now can there?"

Fuyustuki's frown deepened. "No, but you're always the Commander, It's my turn."

"No, no, no. If I let you be the Commander then that means I'd have to let Major Katsuragi be the Sub-Commander and then the Lieutenants would want to be Majors and I'd have to let the janitor be a Lieutenant and pretty soon the pilots would be wanting to be Corporals or something."

"Yeah, so?" Fuyustuki didn't know where the argument was headed, but he was sure he wasn't winning.

"So," Gendo continued, "I'd be out of a job, and that means who would occupy this neat little office of mine?"

"I would." Kozo said, unsure if that was a good thing or not.

Gendo sighed and shook his head. "But then who would be at my side constantly to make me look sinister?"

"But I thought you were out of a job-" 

Gendo came back quickly. "I am, but then, so are you. You don't have a Commander to stand next to."

Fuyustuki scratched his head. "But I would be the commander....."

//Damn....he's no so easily confused as the others were...// "Look over there!" Gendo yelled.

Fuyustuki quickly whirled around in order not to miss what the Commander had been pointing at.

"Okay, your right. I'll increase the Commander's pay, Fuyustuki." Gendo said and re entered his office.

"That's right. I win." Fuyustuki said and strolled off back to his office.

It was later determined that Kozo had yelled a rather colorful string of 'sailor's talk' once he arrived at his office. This was rather bad for Nerv because anybody who was everybody knew that 'sailor's talk' attracted nothing less than chipmunks. It would also be determined that the Kozo/Gendo episode had saved the world from utter doom. The Irony Gods liked the idea of doom, but then they would no longer exist....so they had to step in. They put all their dreams in a three and a half year old cow. Who was now walking aimlessly around the Eva cages.

"Hi, Ayanami." Shinji said, sorta disappointed that Rei was fully clothed in her plug suit.

Rei regarded her fellow pilot. "Hello Ikari." A red flash caused Rei to blink. In the air lingered a 'Hey WonderGirl, help me hold the idiot down so I can beat him!' Rei declined politely, it would not do for a pilot to be injured. An Angel might attack.

The cow wandered by, and mooed. Rei tilted her head at the sight of the quadruped. She had never seen a cow in real life. She only knew they ate grass and were often neutered.

"Hello, Pilot Heifer." Rei said calmly as the newly named Heifer rumbled by. The cow was nice enough to murmur a 'moo' back and continued on it's way. //Whoa....spandex suits...where do I sign?// Heifer waddled past Shinji, who Asuka had finally caught up with and was currently choking, and mooed it's salutations. 

"Moooooo. Mooo, mooooo. Mooo. Moo." He said. This roughly translated to 'Hey, I see you're choking some guy. Did you know you're hot? Why don't you give up on him and me and you can go get spandexy"

Dr Ritsuko Akagi was looking forward to a day of despising Rei and avoiding Maya, when she so carelessly walked into the Eva cage, unprepared for what was coming.

"Hello, Shinji." She said to a mangled body that had brown hair. Ritsuko nodded as the body gave a slight 'hi' and continued on her way, right into Heifer.

The two regarded each other warily. The cow swished it's tail about. Ritsuko turned her head, ever so slightly, causing her glasses to reflect some light.

"Hey, Dr. Akagi!" Misato yelled from behind her. The existence of noise where there was once none, will have varying degrees of surprise and/or shock. Existence of a very loud noise where there was once silence, for example (As stated in The Irony God's Handbook For Making Funnily Ironic Things Happen) will most predictably cause the recipient of the noise to jump, then whirl around, then yell at the noise bringer. This was most of the time very accurate. Most of the time......

"Hey! Ritsuko!" Misato yelled again. The good doctor didn't flinch, her gaze was settled upon the cow and there was no stopping it, except the cow's gaze.

"Um.....I see you've met our newest pilot then, Ritsuko..." Misato pointed out rather obviously lame.

"Jeffery and I have already met." Ritsuko said, turning to face Misato, but not taking her eyes of Heifer. This was a difficult task indeed.

"Jeffery? What the hell is going on! That cow's name is Heifer." Misato said.

Not to be distracted by her friends ramblings, Ritsuko quickly tuned them out and focused on the cow at hand. //What do you want?// She thought.

//What any neutered cow wants in 2014. Some babes in spandex.//

Dr. Ritsuko Akagi decided she didn't much like that answer. //Very funny. You always were the perverted one. Tell me what the second greatest scientific quadruped is doing at Nerv.//

The cow shot an angry look at the doctor. //I'm insulted. _Second_ greatest scientific quadruped?//

//You heard me. That pantry we met back in 2010, Woodstock?/

The cow stared at Ritsuko disbelieving. //Banjo? Banjo, that old piece of mahogany? Just because he figured out where the Sea of Dirac was before me...and he's not even a quadruped!//

Ritsuko smiled, despite herself. //He had four legs, if I remember correctly. Now, what are you here for?//

//Damn....fine. I'm the pilot of Eva unit -1// The cow said, proudly.

"Says who?!" Ritsuko suddenly burst out, causing the population of the Eva cage to look up from their game of Gin Rummy to see if the two weirdoes had come out of their trance.

//Says me. I believe I created them, I can make anything I want happen. And will it'll be funnily Ironic.//

Ritsuko was not happy. She was less happy when she discovered that Jeffery Heifer's orders where legit. Three days and twelve nuclear hot showers later Ritsuko was back in the Eva cages and standing before four pilots. All in plug suits. Curiously enough the cow was not amongst them. Jeffery was, however.

"Okay everyone. We have a new pilot. His name is Jeffery Heifer. Please make his stay at Nerv as unbearably disgusting as you can." She motioned to the fourth plugsuited pilot. He smiled back at Ritsuko and waved to his fellow pilots.

"Hello, Pilot Heifer." Rei said.

"Hi! I'm Asuka!"

"Hello."

The three pilots said their 'hellos' and stood around waiting. They weren't waiting for anything in particular, but it was right about then that someone decided to explain what was going on.

You see, waaaaaaaaay back when the universe was just about three years old, a being of infinite power decided he wanted to exist. And then he did. After he made some galaxy's implode and made three quit comical Irony Gods, this being decided he needed a name. So he searched the universe for one. Unfortunately for him there wasn't much happening in the universe when it was three years old. Now he was faced with creating stuff to fill the universe, so he could find a name. Well, ironically enough when it was the planet Earth's turn to be made this being accidentally sneezed, causing big boogers to land amongst the newly made Earth. The primitive Georgians that discovered a booger somewhere near Atlanta found it to be a great hassle to have a booger occupy a commercial district, when it didn't have a name. So those clever little Georgians called it Jeffery, and eventually they turned the booger into the world's first Toy R Us. But that didn't matter because the all powerful being had a name. Now he needed a shape. Lucky for him he was watching a particularly interesting young man named Shinagami that day, when he was tuning in to 'Rocco's Modern Life'. There he spied a neatly drawn little yellow cow. There. Once his shape, name and social security number was in place he drifted the planet Earth in hopes of finding some good tasting cafeteria food.

!^_^! 

It's about then that the author realized that once more his little creation had taken a turn of it's own and grown a third arm. 

Shinagami: Damn.......now the story doesn't exactly fit the title......oh well.

!^_^!

Now, by pure coincidence, the day before he was to become a pilot (the same day as his argument with Ritsuko) he was run over by a poodle, a large one by poodle standards, and he had to will himself a new body, seeing as his old one was leaking radiator fluid and vital organs. So Jeffery once more called upon the genius of Shinagami (heh, heh, heh) to aid him. It went something like this:

Jeffery: Hey, Shin-man?

Shinagami: Yo, sup?

Jeffery: I need a new body.

Shinagami: Have you tried a giant rabid weasel?

Jeffery: Yes, but I need one that can fit into an entry plug.

Shinagami: Ah.....I gots an idea....

The problem was finally solved around mid-morning just in time for some brunch. Now Jeffery had brown hair, was about 6" and brown eyes.....and by pure coincidence, so was the author......

"Unit negative 1 will arrive here in three seconds." Maya announced suddenly. Ritsuko was about to ask her why she didn't say something earlier, when three helicopters (still chasing that guy with the machete) lowered the giant green mecha next to units 01 and 00.

"Okay, pilots. We have a synch test and some physical testing, then it's off to the deli where you can have ham on rye or on sour dough.... Yes, Asuka?"

The German lowered her hand. "Can we have roasted turkey instead of ham?"

"No, the ham has been scientifically altered to improve your synch ratios."

Asuka made a face. "Sounds gross."

"It is." Ritsuko said while typing on her keyboard. "Now everyone go to your entry plugs."

As they walked to their respective Evas, Jeffery noticed his Eva was right next to Asuka's. It wasn't really, in fact it was next to Rei's Eva, but since he was the most powerful being in existence at that time, Jeffery decided his Eva _was_ right next to Asuka's. And so it was.

And so Jeffery waltzed right over to Asuka as she was climbing into the entry plug, her posterior end providing anyone who was willing to watch (which was everyone) a rather nice view. Jeffery knew he was in for the ride of his life we he first yelled, 'HEY! Asuka! Everyone's looking at your ASS!' causing her to tumble into the entry plug head first. Yes.....judging from those curse word this was going to one hell of a ride.

Continued............

*Author's notes.

Well, if I didn't explain anything I left out already there's a good reason for that. I don't have a clue. As much as I'd wish I did, this fic is totally out of my control. Although it will probably fold in on itself and disappear, while it lasts it should be a whole lot of fun to write and read.......And review.....*aHem* So anyways, thanks for keeping with it for this long. The next part won't be as long, unless you guys want it to be. well, Sayonara!


	2. Part zero

Nihao! What's that? You want more? Well, then go get some. When you're done come back and read the second part. Done? Good. Now I'll make this brief since most of you hate the author's guffawing. This is the second part. See? _Second Part...._ It has to do with a certain warm water Penguin and what happens when a funnily ironic thing happens to him and our new pal Jeffery. Read ahead, for there is much danger here! Go now!

Underdogs-Part zero: When a Penguin and An All Powerful Being Collide

It had been, for the most part, a perfectly normal combat practice, despite Jeffery's tendency to will Angels to appear, just to scare Nerv technician's and then will them away. However at that precise moment, that precise day, that precise year, that precise location, seventy billion light years away, a spaceship full of haggis eating chipmunks (The chipmunks had accidentally on purpose swarmed through NASA after hearing their mice cousins where being experimented on. [The actual tip off that NASA was doing unspeakable things to rats in the corners of their laboratories was given by Irony God Numro quatro, who was very bored, seeing as he was actually a computer programmed to make funnily ironic things happen] They then over powered the UN Keep Small Rodents Away From The Space Shuttle Multi-Task Force, and stole the space shuttle _Bratwurst_. The shuttle was actually a Swedish make and was being loaned to the UN for 36 months with 0 down and low APR) had received a data transmission from Nerv. It said. 'That Goddamn Mother @#&%ing idiot Ikari will @#&%ing die when I @#&%ing get my damn hands on him!-End of message' In chipmunkese this meant, 'Hey there all you chipmunks! I want you to come down to Nerv to kill us all, don't worry if we shoot at you, it's just for affect. And If you wouldn't mind, please bring all of your cotton plants so we can burn them, then come on over, we're waiting! Buh-bye!-You suck' Bringing up cotton was the worst insult a chipmunk could have thrown at him, if the assaulting chipmunk was lucky then they wouldn't immediately have their innards torn out and nailed to a tree. The mention of burning cotton was altogether worse.

"Hey! Shinji!" Asuka yelled as she chucked an N2 mine his way. "Think fast!"

Shinji saw the approaching cylinder of doom and decided then would be a good time to freeze. In an instant (as so defined be The Irony God's Handbook For Making Funnily Ironic Things Happen) Jeffery was in front of Shinji and was catching the bomb.

"Oh, yeah. Who's the man? Jeff's the man!" He crowed and did a tiny little dance.

He strolled over to Rei in Unit 00. "So, babe, how'd you like my save?"

"I do not understand," Rei began. "Why you did not simply will the N2 mine away to a different location."

Jeffery shook his head, causing his Eva's head to shake too. "Look, I know I have this great power, you know it, the chick over there knows it...."

"I HAVE a name!" Asuka yelled and Unit 02 shook it's fist threatingly.

Jeffery continued. "And Shinji knows it. Why bother flaunting it around? How can I stay in top condition if I don't practice?" With that he turned and lugged the mine over his shoulder. It hit Unit 00 in the eye before falling to the floor and exploding. Exploding wouldn't necessarily be the best term to describe it, since after everyone was done flinching it was revealed that a small banner with the words 'Bang!' took the place of the cracked N2 mine. Jeffery walked away giggling about quantum cylindro-mega harmonics and the relationship of diurnal metasoptic ultra-violet fish with the time space bagel theorem.

"It makes sense now!" Ritsuko yelled suddenly from her post. "That son of a bitch put it into terms!"

"Um......should I ask?" Misato looked balefully over to her friend. Ritsuko was busy scratching equations and figures into a complimentary Nerv napkin.

"You see, the way an AT field works is that the bi-polar ion-super negative ratios causes a being's soul to be projected through time and space on top of a checker board to produce the impenetrable field we are so familiar with."

"..................So you're saying that a checker board and some space make an AT field?" Misato asked cautiously. 

"No, no, no...Major Katsuragi....I expected much more from you." The two college roomies turned to the walkway currently attaching itself to the big green Eva standing in the cage. "What she's saying is that once the introversion of a bi-polar mega-sphere is de-ionized, and super heated, then if one used the right variety of garden worm, that person can equilibrate a neuro-sibniatoc co-persision of an antimatter bidilusional time-space continuum ratio of thirty thousand nine hundred and forty two, over eight and against negative of the pi-squared divided against one anomaly of nature, plus it's birth date, then by changing the oil in a 1987 Volvo, you will come up with the number five. Every time." Jeffery took a deep breath. "And then you add that to negative three. You get two, exactly the number of semi-spheres of de-charged ionic ions you need to create the Actuated Surreptitious Surreal field. Much similar to and AT field except it gives the holder of the Actuated Surreptitious Surreal field the same power I hold. Even though it's temporary and very unpredictable."

"Yes!!!" Ritsuko exclaimed. "The ASS field! Just what we need to defeat the Angels!"

Misato looked into her cup of coffee and tried not to laugh. She didn't try very hard. "The ASS field?! Heh, heh, heh....You're kidding....." She looked at Jeffery who was reclining on a nearby Coke machine.

"Don't look at me....I didn't make up the name." he slid off the machine and went to go bother Asuka, who was at that time peeling off the upper part of her plug suit. That was exactly as Jeffery had planned it.

"So....You plan to use that...*snigger* ASS *snigger* Field to defeat the Angels?" Misato asked.

Ritsuko went to the laptop that served as her personal Magi reference bank. "Yes. See. It was prophesied in the Dead Sea Scrolls that someone would make a force field more powerful than an AT field."

"Did they prophesize that their sea would die?" Misato said with a smirk.

Ritsuko wasn't deterred. "No. But it does mean that the ASS field will be a crucial part of destroying all the Angels."

Way back ago when people still used Eight-tracks, I mean waaaaaaaaay back. Math was deemed unusable and stupid by nearly everybody in the universe, except one man...er, Penguin. Yes, PenPen, or Eichee Wooka Wookas as he was known as back then, had re-discovered what math was for, counting money and how big breasts were. So they ( _They_ as they are referred to in The Irony God's Handbook For Making Funnily Ironic Things Happen, are basically the people you don't like, but who you are socially underneath on the ladder disguising itself as life.) decided to reinstate math as a 'emergency only' sorta deal, but the planet Earth was too far arrogant and stuck with it's own problems, that they completely forgot about life outside their own solar system and ignored the math rule. Therefore all things where created to be compatible with math. microwaves, buttons, wiring, shoes, breast size. All of this was made to work _with_ math, instead of proving it wrong, like most of the other sensibly civilized civilizations created things. PenPen told everyone in the rest of the universe, via pay-per-view, that math should be all around us, for it will make our lives so much easier. The people had PenPen killed, but he did his math homework that Thursday, he knew just when and where he was going to kick the bucket, and had designed several safety fail safe's just in case he didn't survive his execution. Which he didn't. Truth be told, no one really ever found PenPen's alternate body, not even PenPen. So he fell to Earth that fateful day in the year 2000.....and landed smack on top of a penguin. How ironic...... But anyway, Misato found the penguin newly occupied with Eichee Wooka Wookas and took him home. Tried to, at least. Turns out some guy named Adam wanted to ask directions for how to get to a place called Eden, but the way he communicated was killing the person he was asking. Misato only survived because PenPen's (As she now called him) Math generator gave Adam a pop quiz, immediately shrinking him down to the form of an embryo. The rest is history. To wrap it up, math is a vital _non_-component in the construction of an ASS field. But since the Earth revolves around math, it was deemed imposable to create one.....until The Day When Something So Funnily Ironic Happened That Even The Irony God's Themselves Were Stumped On How Ironically Ironic This Thing Could Be Because It Was Never Expected This Could Happen. Then all hell broke loose.

It was three days after Jeffery's first combat test with his Eva and one day after he had to be hospitalized after Asuka cold-clocked him with a soda machine. To put it into terms, Asuka did not like Jeffery at all. To bad for her, she had no say in the matter.

"Hey, Shinji!" Jeffery called out to the pilot of Eva-01 "We still up for table hockey this afternoon?"

"But....I thought...weren't you just in intensive care?" Shinji sputtered confused.

Jeffery thought a bit. "Hmmm, yeah. I seem to remember being in there with Ayanami...that girl's suicidal."

Shinji scratched his head and shrugged, things were always like that with Rei. "Um...yeah. you can come over today, I s'pose." 

Jeffery smiled and nodded. "Thanks, and will that hot Major be there?" He ducked behind a building as a can of Pibb came hurdling at his head. He caught it before it hit the ground. "Hey! Don't go wasting that!"

!^_^!

Shinagami reaches down and plucks the Pibb from Jeffery's hand.

Jeffery: Hey! That was mine!"

Shinagami: Too bad. Mine now. *finishes it with one gulp* Ahhhhhh

Jeffery: Just be lucky I don't will your ass into a black hole or something....

Shinagami: Then who'd be here to write you and Asuka getting together?

Jeffery: Damn........

!^_^!

Jeffery looked at the door. He knew what it was going to say. It was going to thank him for making a simple door happy. Jeffery despised doors. He would make all doors go away forever, but the ultimate law in The Irony God's Handbook For Making Funnily Ironic Things Happen states that all doors provide a sense of privacy, security, and what would game shows be with out doors? No surprise at all.....So it was illegal to make doors go away forever. Jeffery raised his hand to knock, as his fist neared the door, the door suddenly came to life and said, "Ahhhhhh, I see you are going to knock. Well, please go right ahead, I am honored to have the most powerful being in the universe knock on-" The door didn't finish because Jeffery had decided to kick the it down.

"Hey! Shinji! You home?!" He yelled into the kitchen. "Hmmm, doesn't look like it." He walked down the hallway and stopped in front of the bath. Outside he saw women's under garments and thought what any rational all powerful being would. //Naked chicks....alright.// However, Jeffery was only partly right. There was someone naked in there, but it wasn't a chick. No, it was far older than one of those....

"Hey!! Asuka?! Are you in here?!" He yelled as he yanked open the door to the bath. No....it was definitely not a chick...

"What the hell? Jeffery?! You idiot!! What are you doing here?!" 

Jeffery was too shocked to answer, or move, or breath for that matter. He did sorta say something about sorry and some stuff about how horrible it was.

A moment later Shinji exited his room and saw Jeffery turning blue outside the bath. "Uh.....Jeffery? I wouldn't go in there if I were you."

Jeffery wished he had somehow foreseen this thing coming, it would've made his life so much easier. Up on Irony Mountain, where an avalanche had just killed a team of avalanche experts filming a documentary of people dying in avalanches, Irony God Numro Duos smirked. Jeffery might've created him, but it was still fun to play practical jokes on dear daddy.

A second later the door to the bath opened and the most expected thing in the universe happened, Doctor Ritsuko Akagi walked out.

"Jeffery, next time you want to barge in on a woman bathing, remember to knock." She said and glared at the marble figure of Jeffery, still recovering from shock.

"Hey everybody!" Misato said cheerfully from the kitchen as she and PenPen walked out, holding some waffles. "You guys ready to play some table hockey?"

"I am ready." All heads turned to see Rei, outfitted in a hockey jersey, with some black paint under her eyes. "I am ready to play 'table hockey'." She repeated, wondering why everyone didn't automatically jump up and begin playing.

"Rei?" Misato asked. "What are you dong here?"

Rei looked quizzically at Misato. "I am here, Major Katsuragi, because I am ready to play 'table hockey'."

Rei looked around as everyone waited for the rest of the explanation. Hearing none they got up and took up their positions around the foosball table.

"Hey, Shinji. You start us off." Jeffery said and handed Shinji the small red ball.

Shinji nodded and took the ball. He placed it before a little blue man and gave it a swing. On the opposing side of Shinji, Rei immediately stole the ball from it's present flight course and with a quick spin, shot it into the goal. while everyone was busy getting over the fact that Rei was better at foosball then them, Rei scored eight more points.

"One more point and I win." Rei said smugly to herself. 

Jeffery decided that now would be a good time for him to be good at foosball too, and so he was. He knocked the ball past Rei's man, towards Misato. Still stunned, and slightly drunk, Misato didn't have a skunk's chance in a florist shop at stopping the ball. So Rei took Initiative. Now, Initiative is a funny thing, sometimes it works for you, other times it makes a whopping pile of bad vegetables. Rei took Initiative and used it to wallop Misato out of the way so she could man her old post. Soon, Jeffery had to do the same with Shinji, because Shinji was busy thinking of how quick and graceful Rei was. Before long just Rei and Jeffery were at the table, covered in sweat and smacking the little red ball up and down the board. Jeffery soon stumbled, though, the sweat making his hand slide off of the peg and giving Rei her opening. Eyes narrowed, Rei zinged the ball past three of Jeffery's men and into the goal. It did not stop there, it tore through the netting of the goal and ricocheted off the far wall, pelting PenPen and shooting the ruffled mass of black feathers across the room and straight into Jeffery. When the dust had cleared (which wasn't very long since Shinji kept the place in top order) Misato, Rei and Shinji looked down at the pile of pillows that PenPen and Jeffery had buried themselves under. From it came a squawk, a moo and several curse words.

'Um.....Jeffery, you okay?" Shinji asked.

From the corner in which she was reading Genus' Digest, Ritsuko laughed. "Let him die, Shinji. He's nothing but a pain."

The pillows exploded upwards, and a five foot high black feathered thing with brown eyes and brown hair sprung up.

"I'm not a pain!!!" It squawked.

Everyone stared at the discombobulate attachment of parts. It was basically a mix between a person, and a penguin chibified several times over. Human legs, human arms, human lower torso, penguin everything else. To make matters worse there was a small red ball lodged in his chest. While Jeffery quickly put his shirt back on, Ritsuko came over to investigate.

"Jeffery?......." Misato asked, carefully. She approached the thing that was giving evil stares at Ritsuko. As Misato touched it's shoulder it fluttered around and turned to face her. 

"Jeffery? You okay?" She asked again.

Jeffery looked around, then at himself. "No........I'm not."

It was later determined that the force of the foosball and the special oil which keep birds afloat in water, combined with the sweat of an all powerful being, had caused PenPen to pop right into Jeffery's body. Since PenPen was a mathematical genus, he was able to save some sort of himself an instant before being incinerated by adding forty-two to the number of beers Misato had and translating that into how many seconds he should hold his breath before hitting Jeffery. So in the end, Jeffery was three parts penguin, and two parts person. He was lucky he didn't become at least a half part cow. 

"What's going on?" Asuka said from the kitchen, she had left to make some tequila's while everyone was playing foosball.

"Um......PenPen and Jeffery-" Shinji started to say, but a screech and the words 'Oh, how cute!!!!' disrupted his sentence.

"Wow, Misato. I have to hand it to you, you pick the greatest pets." Asuka said, embracing Jeffery.

Misato sweat dropped and shrugged. "Well, I just have a knack, I guess...."

"Hey, you know we should give it a new name." Shinji said. "I mean, he is mostly PenPen."

Ritsuko thought a bit. "I can make him _all_ PenPen, if you give me a second." She said and pulled on some latex gloves and picked up a scalpel.

"Hey.....for one, I'm not an 'it' I'm me. Secondly, I don't want to be a full penguin. I'd rather be full me." Jeffery said. Unfortunately for him and Ritsuko everyone had already begun thinking up names and were completely ignoring them.

"You know.." Ritsuko said. "Asuka's going to flip when she finds out it's you."

Jeffery frowned. Not easy when you have a beak, mind you. "Well, If she _does_ happen to find out from a certain scientist, then that scientist will have to face all of Nerv and the rest of Tokyo-3 with them seeing _these._" Jeffery said and pulled five pictures from a sub-etha wave rippling through. "It would be so unfortunate if they all found about you're little 'escapades' during Woodstock."

Ritsuko 'damn you, you dirty son of a bitched' and stormed to the other side of the room.

"So. Guess what?" Shinji said after a moment of discussing with Asuka. (Well, a moment of Asuka beating him into a pulp) "We decided on a name for you." He said it like it was the most important thing that had ever been done to date. How Jeffery yearned to prove him wrong....

"Penfrey." Asuka said proudly.

Jeffery stared at the German girl. "Penfrey?" He asked.

"Penfrey." She confirmed.

!^_^!

Jeffery decides to take a quick stroll over to Shinagami.

Jeffery: Hey!! I know you're in there! Open up!

Shinagami: No one's in here....go away.

Jeffery kicks down the door (which was trying to persuade him to knock) and storms inside.

Shinagami, at his computer: Okay...you found me. What to you want?

Jeffery: Come on, you can give me a better name then Penfrey.

Shinagami: Asuka picked it, and you wanted to get hooked up with Asuka...so what's the problem? Just let her call you Penfrey until the end of this part, then you'll be back to your normal self.

Jeffery: Fine then.....but don't go calling me Penfrey too, I'm still Jeffery.

Shinagami: Okay......._Penfrey_.

Jeffery lugs the demolished door at Shinagami, who ducks and almost knocks over his Pibb.

!^_^!

Later that day an alarm sounded for an Angel attack. It was no real biggie, the Angel was just a big metal object flying into the atmosphere. Since it looked like, smelled like, and was even tempted to be called a space shuttle, it must've been an Angel. So Nerv technicians declared it space shuttle not. But that didn't change the fact that it was still basically a metal shell with a bunch of furriness inside. ( Nerv has used a pair of X-ray glasses they had found lurking inside Asuka's locker) In fact it was such an easy target, they sent Jeffrey out in unit negative one. Jeffery waited till the target had entered the atmosphere and smashed itself into a building and a cotton field, to walk over to it and bang a dent into the side.

"Take that, Angel." He said proudly as he did a small dance around the beaten up white thing.

Shinji looked at the Angel. "It doesn't look like any Angel I've ever seen. What's this one's name?" He remembered defeating the last Angel, Flagellants, if he remembered correctly. He remembered something about a party with a spine, but remembered it was all hazy after that. Then Shinji decided not to use the word remember ever again. //Damn...just did.//

"It's called Atlantis." Ritsuko said from inside the GeoFront. 

Asuka stared at the comatose white thingy. "How do you know? SEELE isn't here to tell us anymore,"

A few years after that whole third impact thing blew over, SEELE had decided to form the NRA Mk. II and began producing huge lavishly constructed sport rifles for Evas.

"Cause it says so on the side." Ritsuko said, absently spraying some Rei Clone Be Gone down in Terminal Dogma, killing all those annoying little albino nudists who kept piling up.

Shinji looked at the space shuttle-the Angel and it did in fact, have _Atlantis_ written on the side in German, Sweden, Switzerlandese, whatever country that invented bratwurst and weinersnitzle and manufactured Volvos.

"Oh, yeah....who's the man? Who's the man? Jeffery's the man." Jeffery said and finished his dance, swinging Rei in unit 00 off her feet and up into the air in what could have passed as a German interpretation of the tango.

As suddenly as Rei landed, the side of the Angel/space shuttle broke open and a ba-jillion tiny chipmunks full of haggis poured out of the cracks, washing over unit negative one, who was busy playing tic-tac-to on the white expanse that was the Angel/space shuttle's side. Jeffery's cries for some mouse traps and Raid were silenced when the chipmunks chewed through the Eva's power cable, shocking the hell out of at least thirty million of them. This didn't deter the stampeding brown varmints. They ran at Nerv intending to find the one they called Ikari. After the last stragglers had cleared the remaining flesh off of Unit -1 and continued on, Jeffery sat outside his dismembered Eva and looked at it's corpse disdainfully.

"And I was just getting used to you, dear Miss Ibuki, The Greatest Car Designer In The World. Your daughter was hot, too." Jeffery walked over to Unit-02, who was trying to eat some barbecue wings, but was realizing for the first time that it didn't have a mouth. 

"Hey, Penfrey!" Asuka yelled. "Help out here, I'm hungry. Will me a mouth."

Jeffery complied, and soon 02 was sporting a penguin beak, similar to Jeffery's own. "That better?"

"Hey, yeah.....It's so cute!!!" Then again, everything was cute to Asuka if it had a beak and waddled around. Which partly explained why she had first started to like Shinji...

Ayanami was becoming very annoyed by two things. The first one was that Dr. Akagi kept killing her sisters, and the second one was that the supposedly all powerful penguin didn't try to stop the advancing Angel...Angels....many ba-jillion Angels.....???

"Heifer-san......" Rei began

Jeffery looked up from his chicken biscuit. "Yeah?"

"Why do you not stop the enemy?"

Jeffery shrugged. "It's your problem. I can't go killing some big nasty guys that want you dead just because I'm the most powerful being in the universe."

"Why not? You have been ordered to do so." Rei said calmly.

Jeffrey shrugged again and thought that unit 02's entry plug was open...and magically it was. //Sigh...If only this damned conscience would go away so I could will Asuka's clothes into non-existence.// He stepped inside. 

Rei narrowed her eyes and snatched the penguin guy from 02's entry plug just as him and Asuka were about to play 'nail the hot German chick' and ran head long at the scampering Angel.

Ritsuko decided to look up and give a damn about whatever the hell Rei was doing. "It's a Pen2 mine!" She yelled and ducked as Rei chucked Penfrey at the mass of brown, clawing at the metal pyramid. Just as he was about to hit, Jeffery broke a policy of his own and willed Asuka's plug suit in place of himself, and vise-versa. A pretty neat trick, unless you do it wrong and come out as the plug suit, instead of right next to the person the plug suit was just wearing. Jeffery did it right, however, and appeared right on Asuka's lap, just as the plug suit excused itself to go drop onto a bunch of near rabid chipmunks. For good measure, Jeffery decided to make Asuka's plug suit combustible, and combust it did. It combusted itself and all ba-jillion of the chipmunks into a smoldering pile of ashes. Too bad for everyone that chipmunks only grow bigger after a near nuclear weapon hits it and the ashes grew to a monstrous giant squid-chipmunk. Penfrey (Jeffery, goddamn you!) Jeffery and Asuka knew they had to take this one out, cause Shinji and Rei's Evas were busy making out. The squid-chipmunk angel named Atlantis charged 02, and whipped a tentacle at the red Eva. Since this is anime and everyone knows what tentacles do to females in anime (Note: All Evas are chicks)the tentacle searched for, and found it's quarry, Eva 02's nice ready------Due to the extreme graphic nature of this scene we have transferred your image to a grassy field. Think flowers and bees, and lush green grass. Scene done.--------- 

"That damn Angel raped me!" Asuka yelled, enraged. "I'll kill it!"

Jeffery smirked. "Then why were you screaming 'Atlantis! Atlantis!' at your clima-"

"Shut up....I'll kill it anyway." Asuka muttered as another tentacle came sliding her way. It flew at her Eva's rear and stopped. A bright fleshy colored couple of semi-spheres were blocking the tentacle.

"The ASS field!" Ritsuko said in awe. True to it's name the ASS field was basically as translucent ass. Then Asuka wished she had some more barbecue wings......and somehow the angel-squid-chipmunk turned into a platter of wings. Which, with a spray of barbecue sauce, flapped off.

"Hey, Nice job." Jeffery congratulated his female co-pilot.

Asuka blushed, then remembered who she was. "Um.....thanks. Want to play Twister?" 

Afterward it was noted that some strange unintelligent things came moaning from inside unit-02, but when Nerv turned on the video camera super glued into the corner, they found that Asuka and Jeffery were just doing the 'frisky'. Nope. Nothing to worry about there.

"Hey! Jeffery!" Shinji yelled and knocked on unit-02's entry plug hatch, who was busy explaining in German about his country's history.

"What do you want?" Jeffery yelled, grumpy after his 'game' was disturbed.

Shinji thought a bit.....what did he want? A nice car, a loving wife. A nice village to call his own in the Swiss Alps.... "What are you and Asuka doing?"

"We're playing Twister. Want to join?" Came the response.

Shinji knew full well they weren't playing Twister. He was watching the image being transferred to him by Nerv....and if that was Twister, then the rules had changed to include 'right hand breast'. 

"No you aren't!" Shinji whined. He forced open the hatch and peered in. Inside was a fully clothed Asuka and Penfrey, playing Twister. "Oh...guess you are. I'll leave now."

Jeffery and Asuka shrugged as Shinji went away and did some more stuff they were doing before Shinji came interrupting.

It was then that Jeffery woke up. Quickly he checked his manhood, making sure it was still there, then he checked the rest of him. Still about 6" brown hair and eyes.....whew.....//I guess I either dreamed about the PenPen incident, or somehow my coolness just repelled that icky-poo penguin DNA outta me.// He looked around spotting Asuka's undies scattered about his room and the ever so subtly unclothed Asuka sleeping next to him. //I guess I'm just cool.//

Jeffery walked into the kitchen and got him some Lucky Charms. Yes, they were magically delicious. At around his forty second bowl Misato walked in and grumbled something about how he was back to normal and that Asuka was going to be sad that Penfrey was gone and how she needed a beer and a life. And then some more beer.

Asuka walked in a second later and sat across from Jeffery. She gazed lovingly into his eyes, and gently took his hand....One must note that the definition of 'gazed lovingly' and 'gently took' are often confused with 'gave a death glare' and 'squeezed till some bones gave way'. 

"You anta-baka! What the hell where you trying to pull?!" Asuka yelled.

Jeffery was confused for a second. And another one. Then he decided that Asuka had some mutant power to nullify his oh-so-special power.

"Um.....you don't love me?" He asked.

Asuka shook with rage. "No! You idiot! How could I love someone as disgustingly egotistical as you?!"

Jeffery felt like he could cry. But since he had an image to keep, he transferred all his weepyness over to Shinji, who had just walked in.

"Waaaaaaaaaaaaa!" Shinji wailed. "Noooooo!!!" He flung himself against the wall and started pounding it with his fists.

//Much better.// Jeffery thought. //Now on to business.// "So.....why were you sleeping naked next to me?"

"She does that all the time, sleepwalker." Misato said, fully charged after thirteen Yebisu's.

Jeffery 'damned' and poured his forty second bowl of Lucky Charms. "So what's on the agenda for today?"

"We have a appointment scheduled with the doctor today, then we have to stop by the post office, and after that we need to go to the dry cleaners to pick up your plugsuits." Misato said, finishing off her last beer for that hour.

"He said what's on the agenda for _us_, Misato. Not your errands." Asuka said, and looked around for Penfrey. "Where is that cute little pumpkin?"

"He's right there." Misato pointed to Jeffery, who held out his arms, awaiting a loving embrace. Once more, loving embrace is often mistook as beaten to a pulp....and Jeffery was.

"Oww..." He said.

"Why?! Waaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaa! Why?! What did I do?! Waaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!" Shinji continued and flopped onto the floor and sobbed uncontrollably into the carpet.

"Geeze, Shinji....I wasn't feeling _that_ pathetically sad." Jeffery said. "I mean....the transfer doesn't add any angst on." He poured his forty second bowl of Lucky Charms and dug in.

Shinji stopped flailing and looked up. "What? I do this every morning."

"Oh. Then who got my weepyness?"

Down in the depths of Terminal Dogma Rei was throwing an all out temper tantrum.

"I don't want to!!!" She screamed and started punching Gendo's arm. "I don't wanna go!!"

Gendo looked around at the scientists gathered around the big fish tank filled with LCL. "I'm sorry....she doesn't normally do this...I'll get the tests under way immediately." He looked over at a sulking figure in the corner. "Fuyustuki, help me."

Kozo 'hmphed' "You're the commander, remember? You can handle it."

Later some would report that the clouds that had formed over Tokyo-3 had parted, and some gold trumpets stuck out and made some trumpet noises.

"All hail God." some little naked cherub dudes with sunglasses said.

Jeffery looked up from his newly poured forty second bowl of cereal goodness and sighed....//Not God again....//

Two hands appeared at the edges of the two sides of the clouds. " Am I on? Oh, okay." A head jutted out from the cloud bank. "Hello, loyal subjects!" God said cheerily.

"Oh, you again...."

"Who's that?"

"Am I missing something?"

"Hyuuga?"

The face did indeed have short hair with a couple strands hanging uselessly from the front, but the white robes and a gold crown discerned any theories relating the bridge bunny to.....well, God.

God sighed "Yes...It's me."

"What the hell are you doing? Get down from there! And how did you get so big?" Misato was too busy scolding the lieutenant that she missed his cocking back his arm, ready to throw some lightning.

"Um....why are you here, God?" Jeffery asked.

God squinted down at him. "Jeffery? Why do you have Shinagami's body?"

"Oh, you know him?" Jeffery asked.

God rolled his eyes. "Everyone in this fic knows him, he created us you know."

"So technically," Shinji began. "Technically, this Shinagami guy is Over-God....Godder....More God than you?"

God sighed again. "Yes...but then again, I can make him go to hell if he does anything I don't like to me."

"Hyuuga? How did you become God? Weren't you just a Nerv lieutenant?"

God looked guilty. "Okay....okay...I'm not _really _God, I'm just keeping his seat warm till he gets back.

Just then Gendo got up to 'here' with the kicking and screaming Rei and pushed the 'end of the world' button. True to it's name the world ended. Two eyes looked around the darkness.

"Damn....." Jeffery said. "I'll have to start all over."

End.

*Author's note. Okay, sorry all you religious people. I won't ever use God again, I promise. And I don't mean to insult God or nothing, but it was crucial to use God in the plot. Wait...did I just say plot? Lord knows that this fic didn't have one. Jesus, just look at how long it is, and not a plot to be found.....Goddammit, it was fun to write though. *looks at what he just wrote.* Whoops.....I'll leave now.


End file.
